After I hauled my sleep deprived body out the door for work, I stopped by the drive thru at Wendy’s to grab some grub on the way. I started making my selection and then began wondering why they couldn’t seem to hear my order. Then I saw the reason why: I had pulled up in front of a trash bin and mistakenly thought it was the intercom.

Whoops.

You know it’s stupidity like that that reminds me of why I can’t get a woman. Who wants to be with an idiot like me? That’s why I’m banking on the sympathy factor, in the hopes that I will find someone who will feel so bad for me that they decide to stay with me just out of pity.

Well a guy can dream at least.

Tags: drive thru, insomnia, pity, sleep, stupidity, sympathy, women
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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Phil from the Advertising Blogger recently wrote up a complimentary post about me and my advertising page, so in exchange for scratching my back I guess I’ll take some time to shave his.

I actually know of Phil via one of his other blogs called the Romance Tracker, which has been on my list of feed subscriptions for quite some time now, even though the info still hasn’t helped me manage to get a date. Damn you Phil! Damn you and your little blogs too!!!!!!!!

But, *ahem*, back to the advertising discussion…

Ironically enough I spent all of last weekend actually cleaning up my advertising page some more, as well as adding a few more ad blocks for sponsors to choose from. (You may have noticed the new HUGE 300×250 block that I’m throwing in your faces now.)

I also decided to drop the peel away ad as it really didn’t fit my site too well, and the clickthrough ratios were actually worse than any of my ad blocks put together. Forget that then. I am however going to offer stripe ads instead, which I think will be more effective (and far less annoying) than the peel away ad.

Since I’m using Openads, (oh I’m sorry, I mean OpenX… stupid developers and their branding identity crisis,) I was able to recode most of the ad zones using IFrames instead, that way if there’s ever a problem with an ad loading, it won’t affect the load time for the rest of the page. I’m already noticing a speed difference too. This new setup also allows me to experiment with different advertising networks with relative ease. Previously I had Adbrite ads being delivered. Now I’m trying my hand with Project Wonderful instead to see how that performs, and then if that doesn’t do well, I’ll try something else. Sooner or later I’ll stumble onto a winning combination that will make me gobs of money and win me fame, prestige and an ocean of hot babes.

Ok, maybe just one hot babe. At least one please? Please?

And now that I’ve lost all credibility, this would be a great time to make a plug for advertising on my blog! Remember, if you don’t garner a clickthrough rate of at least 1 percent, I’ll refund 25 percent of the costs. So please sponsor me today!

Really, please sponsor me, I’m really getting tired of all these calls from my bill collectors. They’re always so mean and nasty too.

Tags: ad blocks, ad zones, adbrite, advertising, advertising networks, openads, openx, peel away ads, project wonderful, stripe ads
Categories: Blog Fog
 
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On the way home I stopped by a Starbucks drive-thru to get some hot chocolate. The intercom crackled to life, and I suddenly heard the sweetest, most soothing female voice:

“Hiiiiiii, welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?”

Oh sweetie, you have no idea.

“Ummm, could I get a hot chocolate, venti size?”

“Of course honey, would you like anything else?”

…honey… I was in love. I wanted to stay at the drive-thru and listen to her sweet, angelic voice forever.

“Hello?”

“Oh… uh no, that’s it.”

“Great, you can drive up to the window.”

I quickly drove up, eager to see who could be the owner of such a mellow, sugary voice that had so easily plucked at my heart strings.

I almost screamed when a lanky guy no older than 19 lumbered up to the window.

“Three twenty-five please.”

Dammit, my order had been passed on to someone else. Dammit, dammit, dammit!

I handed over my debit card and then leaned over to see if I could spot the girl. There she was, wearing a headset, her back to me as she put the finishing touches on my drink. A shapely figure with dark brown hair that flowed and bounced off her shoulders. Oh man please turn around, please turn around, please turn around…

“Here you go.” Lanky Boy gave me back my card, and then of course, completely blocking my view, took the hot chocolate Angelic Voice handed off to him, and gave that to me as well. @#$%!!!

I frantically tried to look around him so I could catch a glimpse of Angelic Voice’s face.

“Did you need anything else?”

“Oh… no, thanks,” I muttered, trying not to curse. I slowly drove away, debating whether I should slam on the brakes and run inside just so I could see her, but then thought better of it.

I think I’ll be coming back tomorrow though.

Tags: angelic voice, drive thru, female voice, hot chocolate, intercom, love, soothing, starbucks, sweet
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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The Valentine demon found me hiding under the bed and gave me a virus, so I’ve been pretty much out of it for the last few days. I’m feeling a bit better now though, so I went to check my email and found this little jewel waiting for me, sent by some girl on PlentyofFish.com who was interested in my profile. I think.

i dont know how to take you… hopefully ure funny cause i think your hysterical…..

miss u……waiting for my savior….

MUCH…..later….

I think I’m gonna start deleting my dating profiles from these sites. I’m getting scared now.

Tags: crazy, dating, message, nuts, plentyoffish.com, profile, psycho, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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This might come as a shock to you, but I hate Valentine’s Day.

Ever since Donna Costello kicked me in the shinny after giving her a Valentine card back in the third grade, I knew this holiday was going to bring me nothing but grief.

It got worse during my high school years when some evil bastard of a bastard came up with the brilliant idea to have flowers and Valentines delivered DURING CLASSES. So I’m sitting there at my desk minding my own business, trying to learn the intricacies of the periodic table, when lo and behold there’s a knock on the door and in walks this delivery guy holding a huge bouquet of flowers, meant of course for the ONE girl I happened to have a crush on. And then when class is over I get to watch her throw her arms around her darling love while I grab my chest and try to endure the agony of having my heart get ripped to shreds as I made my way to Spanish class.

Year after year it was like this, even as I continued to hope in vain that maybe, just maybe, next time things would be different. Nope. Unfulfilled love, loneliness, pain and anguish continued to rule my Valentine’s Day.

Then a few years ago, something happened that would forever seal Valentine’s day as a day of infamy for me. I came home one night to find an eviction notice had been posted on my door. An evil relative had stolen the house that my family bought and paid for, and then had the courts rule in his favor to get us thrown out so his granddaughter could move in with her skank boyfriend. My family unfortunately had no money for an attorney, so we were left defenseless against this onslaught of pure hatred. And, (almost like it was his parting gift), our relative poisoned our pet cat, who died shortly before our eviction.

The worst act of hatred that had ever been commited against me (and left me homeless for the first time in my life) happened precisely… on Valentine’s Day. That experience changed my life forever. I no longer had a place to call home, and the ruinous trials that resulted in that destructive aftermath left all of us with no assets except the cars we drove and the clothes on our backs. My parents will never be able to retire, and even with our resources pooled together we had all been effectively priced out of the housing market. Even years later, I can still feel the dull impact of that devastating day.

So yeah, I f*&#ing hate this accursed holiday.

The only way I’ve managed to survive in the years that followed was to basically hide under the bed and pray the demon-spirit of Valentine wouldn’t come get me. Then when the morning of the 15th finally came, I’d come out and breathe a sigh of relief in knowing I would live to see another day.

Of course, last year I made the mistake of thinking it was finally safe to come out again, and met someone online (on Valentine’s Day) who seemed to be the perfect girl for me. Educated, funny, intelligent, had a good career, loved to travel, shared the same political and religious beliefs I did, and most importantly, had blonde hair .

The perfect girl ended up stringing me along for 2 months, and then after sending her flowers for her birthday, I get texted a terse “thank you” and never hear from her again. I mean sheesh, if you’re gonna be like that then at least pay me the difference for the flowers I bought you cheap miserable mother#*&%ing bi___

I hate Valentine’s Day.

But… you know, whether it’s because I’m a glutton for punishment or because I’m just a dumb schmuck (or both), there’s a part of me that’s still holding out hope that this Valentine’s curse will someday be lifted. That maybe, just maybe, there’s a special girl out there who can finally break the hex and make this day a day I no longer have to fear or despise again.

Until then, I will continue to hide under the bed and rage against the pink machine.

Tags: anguish, anti valentine, evicted, evil, hate, homeless, loneliness, pain, pet cat, unrequited love, valentine card, valentines day
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Here’s my working list of the things I might like to do for Valentine’s Day:

• Toss molotov cocktails into Hallmark stores.
• With a pair of scissors, walk into florist shops and snip off the top of all the flowers.
• Look for starry eyed couples playing suck face in public, approach them and ask the girl, “Thanks for giving me a deal on the trick the other night. Can we do it again on Tuesday, same time, same place?”
• Randomly call husbands at home and ask them if their wives will be free again tonight. Refer to the wife as your “honey bunny pie” to enrage him even more.
• Rent out a copy of every Valentine’s Day related slasher flick ever produced, beginning with My Bloody Valentine.
• Drop kick anyone in the face who mentions how wonderful and dreamy their girlfriends are. Kick them again when they’re moaning on the floor from the pain. Kick them yet again.
• Send emails to everyone on my contact list with the message, “I’m really sorry to tell you this, but I just saw your boyfriend/girlfriend making out with this girl/guy at the mall today.”
• Go to the park to look for couples cuddling after a picnic. Tell the nearest park police officer, “Excuse me officer, but I saw this couple smoking pot and sharing it with some 8 year old kids. Can you go check it out?”
• Find out who’s planning a romantic dinner at home and when. Just as their dinner is about to start, call 911 and in a frantic voice inform them you heard gunshots coming from their house.

I think all that should be enough to keep me busy on Valentine’s.

Tags: anti valentine, bloody valentine, evil, list, things to do, valentines day
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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