The only time I really enjoy my dreams is when I’m on an epic adventure of some sort, or when I’m a superhero like Spider-man, or when I’m getting some serious loving from a really hot babe.

Not last night though. Last night I’m on this bus right, and there is this seriously smokin’ hot girl with the most intense blue eyes I’ve ever seen also riding on the bus. Of course, me being my charming self was able to draw her attention and we ended up kissing. Only when we kiss, I don’t see her, I see this meter instead, which is analyzing how good I’m kissing her and of course the reading is really LOW, so it’s basically telling me that I suck at it. Then the girl kisses me back and the meter’s readings suddenly goes off the chart. Of course.

But even then, I can’t enjoy the experience because all I see is this fricking meter, and on top of that I got Bill Clinton sitting next to me on the bus. Seriously. I swear dude, if there was anybody who could kill the romance, this guy would be it. And he’s looking at me with this smirk on his face as if to say, “I could do better.”

Here’s a scene you probably never want to see at your job:

When we got our computers upgraded, they opened up the ceiling and yep, down came the mouse crap, cradle and all. Then they just left the ceiling open like that. Are they nuckin’ futs???

When I went to see about contacting OSHA to clean up this mess, it turns out we’re not even within their jurisdiction. Instead, I had to contact an agency that belongs to the same local government I was employed by, you know, the very one that refused to do anything about these health code violations in the first place? Well that’s just… perfect.

In the end, I flipped off my useless supervisor and quarantined the area, then set up a nice, clean new desk for the coworker who usually sat in that spot. I may have to close up the ceiling myself, but since it’s directly above the next section as well, maybe I can get the supe there to bring maintenance down and clean it up instead before sealing it again.

Then I called up ISD and suggested in a polite tone what their mothers really did for a living, and if they wanted to restore the family honor perhaps they could come down and pick up our now useless 30 year old terminals and printers?

Turns out it wasn’t really their equipment to begin with (so they say). So I asked around and found out as long as I inventoried the terminals, I could gather it all up and dump them in the basement to be scrapped. So I filled out the inventory forms and asked my supe to sign it.

Sure enough, he refused to sign it. Evidently he doesn’t like his name being associated with anything other than his paycheck, so I shrugged my shoulders… and went over his head. I got the bureau head to sign off on it instead, grabbed a cart, and cleared our section out of all the old equipment we weren’t using anymore, then had maintenance come down and vacuum up everything that was left over. There must have been three inches of dust everywhere, and we were breathing this crap too. BUT, finally, after over a year of this nonsense, our section was cleaned and almost looked like an office again.

I was dirty and sweaty by the time everything was finished, but in the end I had accomplished more in one day than my supervisor ever did in the 12 months that he’s been here. I could already feel the morale lifting in my section. If my coworkers were happy now, then I was happy.

Just to spice up our section a little bit more though, I put up my lava lamp and pretty party lights again. I think I’ll also get one of those fog machines from Party City and install it under my supervisor’s desk. Our section might be clean now, but it does need some… atmosphere, ya know?

Lately I’ve been trying to understand the nuances of office politics, and man, I’m telling you this is some messed up jojo that can seriously mess with your mojo. I have a supervisor that I’ve talked about before under different names, but for today I’ll refer to him as Sergeant Assfart. Sgt. Assfart has proven himself to be one of, no, scratch that, THE worst supervisor I have ever had. Our section is in shambles now because of his incompetence and laziness, and as a result it got me thinking about what course of action we should all take to at least minimize the damage he’s been causing.

One option would be to simply do nothing, and maybe even scale back on our job performance so our section REALLY implodes. The idea here is that the worse things get, the more likely the powers that be would notice and boot Assfart outta here. In fact this was more or less the approach we adopted, but as our section gradually continued to deteriorate over the months, nobody so much as batted an eye. I shouldn’t have been surprised though, I mean this is the same department that let a man die under their watch while they were all too busy scratching their balls.

But anyway, the second option would be to take the initiative and clean up the section on our own, or more accurately, MY own. The problem with this approach though is that the more work you do, the more they seem to expect of you. It also basically entailed doing the supervisor’s work for him, and worst yet, if things started to improve, guess who’s gonna take credit for it? I have to admit I understood how my coworkers felt. They didn’t want to go that extra mile because they didn’t want to do ANYTHING if it wound up making our supervisor look good. But our current approach wasn’t doing much either, and now our morale has sunk to the lowest it’s ever been since I started working here.

So for today, I finally thought, “Screw this,” and decided to clean up a few things. First up, one of our computer desks had been plagued with mouse droppings that were falling from the ceiling for months now. We kept waiting for FEMA to show up and quarantine the area, but I think our expectations turned out to be a little too high. We kept pleading, asking, begging Assfart and anyone else who’d listen to do something, ANYTHING to clean out the area. Nothing.

I took a look at the desk, went “hmmmm,” then went out and bought some extension cables. Came back and ripped out the phone, PC and monitor, then cleaned up a new desk and placed them all there. Then I hooked up the extended cables and wrapped it around the floor and under the cubicles so they remained out of sight. It took a couple of hours, but in the end I managed to set up a fresh new desk nice and far enough away from where the mouse poo were coming from. Then I printed up a big sign that said “WARNING: MOUSE DROPPINGS ZONE” and taped it on the wall next to the old desk. That might cheese off the Assfartster, but too bad.

I stepped back to inspect my work and sighed happily. This was the first time in a long time that I ever felt a sense of real accomplishment, but there was still plenty more left to be done. Next up, there are literally stacks of old computers taking up space in our section because our esteemed boss can’t be bothered to keep calling ISD (Information Systems Division) so they can pick up this crap. Our area looks like a junkyard for IBM for crying out loud, but incredibly, these old computers have been lying around here for a YEAR now. ????? So, I plan to call ISD, and call, and call, and call, then call them at home and on weekends, and if that doesn’t work, then I show up in person, in my underwear, where I will proceed to stalk them until they get the message.

And once that’s over with, then I’m gonna have a little fun. I’m planning to hit the local gag shop and buy up some seriously nasty items I’ll be using on our beloved supervisor. If he’s gonna stick around, then I might as well have some fun tormenting him till the cows come home.

I’ve always been a Table for One guy, but for those of you who are Sacramento singles, you might be able to benefit from a regional dating service called Table For Six.

I fully expected this to be another sham site, but apparently they’ve been around for a long time, and some of their name branding have even become registered trademarks now. The idea is pretty simple, organize dinners for 6 people, 3 men and 3 ladies, and from that you might find a new love interest who could potentially be your future snooglie pookie pums cuddle pie.

Consultations are free, and upon becoming a member, you’ll be matched along with 5 other people according to similar ages, interests and lifestyles, then join them all for an arranged dinner at a moderately upscale restaurant. At the conclusion of the dinner, you’ll be asked who you liked, and if there’s a connection, the service will set up a second date just for the two of you. I have to admit this is a pretty sensible concept, at the very least it affords you an opportunity to have a nice dinner with likeminded people, so even if there’s no connection you won’t come away completely empty handed or embarrassed because of outright rejection.

If you’re feeling particularly brave though, they also offer a Just For Two service, where staff members will meet with you individually and work with you in finding a new dating interest. It seems to be a very involved process too, unlike other dating services who simply match you with someone and then you’re pretty much on your own.

This might be one of the first times I’ve looked at a dating site and thought, “Hmmm, this isn’t so bad.” But even if I lived in California this service might prove too high class for me anyway, since my idea of a moderately upscale restaurant is the local drive-thru at Burger King. You’ll pay for your own dinners by the way, in addition to whatever the costs of membership are, so this will not likely be a low cost endeavor for you. But considering how insanely expensive online dating sites like eHarmony and Match.com are, Table For Six might prove to be a far better investment over the long run.

I’m almost tempted to move to California just to check it out. Almost.

I just turned down $50 worth of review requests for my site from ReviewMe. I must be smoking something, cuz money is money, ain’t that right honey?

One review request was for a directory I already did a review on, so I’m not sure why they wanted another one, and the last one was for a casino gambling site. That was really a no-brainer though, I mean the idea of getting some coins for writing a review of a gambling site on what’s meant to be a Christian oriented blog just seemed silly to me.

It is getting tiresome though to jump for joy upon getting a review request in my inbox, only to learn that the advertiser making the request deals in casino/poker/viagra/loan consolidation related websites. You’d think these were the only businesses that existed on the Internet. There has to be more out there though. Doesn’t anyone want me to review a suspense novel for them? Or maybe critique a company site specializing in developing simulations for SWAT teams? I mean come on, where are all the REAL businesses for crying out loud? At least offer something that might actually be related to my blog’s theme for once (whatever the hell my theme is supposed to be anyhow).

I got contacted by a guy via StumbleUpon, and turns out he’s a conservative blogger with a site called the Tygrrrr Express. Writes pretty good (and funny) blogging dissertations ranging from politics to the NFL from what I could tell, and according to his About page, blogging to him is a “shameless ploy to get what I really want, which is to be sandwiched between two hot republican Jewish brunettes.”

Gee, and here I thought I was the only one with such a fantasy.

He’s also in the running for the Blogger’s Choice Awards for Best Political Blog, and amazingly enough he’s actually ahead of Michelle Malkin, currently in fourth place. I’d be happy enough just to see him beat out the fu–, uhh, I mean, the very ugly fartbats at Daily Kos. Go give him a vote if you think his blog measures up.