I think I have what might be called an inferiority complex. I have a tendency to put myself down and take everything personally, regardless of whether it is merited or not. If I don’t get a call from someone, I take it personally, even if all it meant was that the person was just busy. I get so wrapped up in how I think other people perceive me that it’s warped my whole perspective on life. If people like me, I’m in a good mood. If people don’t like me, I can barely get out of bed. My whole emotional well being is wrapped up in what other people think of me.

My experience with Uptown Girl has in some ways forced me to deal with this insecurity. She really does seem interested in me, but because it takes her a while sometimes to respond to my emails, I quickly begin to doubt her sincerity and start going into self analysis: “What did I do wrong? What did I say wrong? Did I contact her too much? Too little? Did I offend her somehow, or was she just humoring me until she lost interest?” And then I would pout and feel sorry for myself, wailing that nobody loves me and that I’ll never meet anyone willing to play snugglies with me.

And finally, if only dimly, it began to creep into my mind that my happiness can’t be wrapped up in another person. For the longest time I would think, “if I just met a nice girl, THEN I would be happy.” But it’s dawning on me that I needed to be happy with who I was FIRST before anything else. I had to divorce my emotional state of mind from how others might see me, no matter who that person might be. And a lot of it has to do with not believing God when He says that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” If I, despite all my broken parts, am His child, then what should I care if whether people like me or not? The love of many may wax cold, but God’s love endures forever. No matter where I go, where I end up, His love will remain unchanged, and He is with me always. So what is man then, that I should acknowledge what he or she thinks of me?

I knew I had to stop putting myself down, and stop throwing a pity party because I think I’m not good looking or smart, or because I have a disability, or because of this thing or that thing. My self confidence and happiness had to be drawn from the knowledge that I was made in God’s image, and because of that I am special. Anything the Lord made is good and wonderful, and nobody, no matter how much better they think they might be than me, can tell me otherwise.

The nucleus of this revelation began to build within me when I decided not to sit on my hands anymore and just keep emailing Uptown Girl. I was going to be who I was, and trust her at her word that she truly was interested in me. No more game playing. The net result? She responded right away, and we now have each other’s phone numbers. I’m going to give her a call today. No… tomorrow. No… this weekend. Ok, next week maybe?

Well, Rome wasn’t built in a day…