There’s nothing more frustrating than having to fight an illness that manifests itself for no other reason than because I was a stupid dumbass.

For years I developed the extremely bad habit of eating too much, at too late an hour, so much that when I went to bed I could feel the stomach juices sloshing around as my digestive system bravely tried to make sense of the mess I just inhaled. I knew it was unhealthy, everyone else reminded me that it was unhealthy, and yet still I kept doing it. Over the years it was clear that I was an emotional eater, taking solace in the joys of chowing down during those times when everything else in my life amounted to crap. Which was usually most of the time.

Food was my companion. It was my friend. When I dined in a restaurant, alone as I usually did, the food would always be there to lift my spirits.

But now food has betrayed me. Or rather, I betrayed myself. During the past few months I’ve been suffering daily heartburn and acid reflux, though fortunately not the kind that makes me scream in agony the minute it hits me. Still, it was the bothersome kind that created a dull burning sensation in my chest everytime I ate. And yet, unbelievably, until only recently I ignored it. I just figured it would quickly go away once I dropped a few pounds. But then I continued to eat and eat, which would make any rational person wonder: when exactly would I knock it off and drop those few pounds like I promised myself I would do?

Eventually I had to come to terms with my eating life. I had been so used to getting pre-prepared foods either from the market or from the drive-thru, that I was completely unaccustomed to cooking and preparing my own meals. It was a skill I was going to have to relearn if I was going to nip this problem in the bud and prevent similar problems in the future.

In the meantime I still had to deal with my heartburn, which has now progressed into giving me that wonderful “globus sensation,” the feeling that there is something stuck in my throat. It is a GODAWFUL feeling, almost as if someone were gently choking me, and I feel it all day long. The good thing is that I can still swallow and breathe easily, though I noticed after I get up in the mornings and blow my nose, a little bit of dried blood comes out. It’s obvious the reflux is aggravating my sinus areas as well, though the damage is only minor (compared to the horror stories I’ve heard from other people who suffered acid reflux problems). I’ve used Mylanta, Pepto-Bismol, Tums along with certain supplements I got from the Vitamin Shoppe to try to alleviate the symptoms, but they’ve only had a minimal impact on the heartburn issues.

It’s funny how quickly one remembers God the minute we get physically ill. I knew I had to repent and confess my sins, and I suspected God was allowing this to happen to shake some sense into me. I only hope it’s not too late, since chronic acid reflux can be a sign of GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease), which is usually due to the lower esophageal sphincter (LES) no longer closing properly to keep the acid from entering the esophagus. If that’s what I have, and the LES doesn’t eventually straighten itself out, I am so screwed. I’d have to rely on medicating myself one way or another ad infinitum, or having major surgery done to artificially correct the LES so it closes properly again.

It’s been suggested that losing weight may eventually clear up these problems, so I’m hoping if I drop enough pounds and enough time passes, my digestive system might return to normal. It will require my finally abandoning my gluttonous ways, finding a new and healthier way to eat, and eventually finding an exercise regimen that I can actually stick with. And then, should I be able to accomplish all that and be rewarded for it all by still having problems with heartburn, then like I said before: I am so screwed.

I had to appeal to God for his grace and mercy. Yet it seems stupid to ask Him not to endure the consequences of my own stupidity, but I knew (at least I hope) that I was genuinely sorry for living the kind of lifestyle that I did. I regret what it did to me, and I regret it more because in this condition I am of little value and use to God, or anyone else for that matter. I needed another chance to make things right. So I prayed. And I pray continually, asking the LORD to forgive me, to give me the grace to accept this burden that I brought on myself, and for Him to eventually heal my digestive system.

In my heart I knew that conventional medicine would not bring the cure I was looking for. For people who suffer chronic acid reflux or GERD, the host of treatments available generally only masks the symptoms rather than cure the disease. Of all the drugs out there designed to treat GERD, the most powerful are called PPI drugs (proton pump inhibitors), such as Nexium. They function by basically shutting down the stomach’s ability to produce acid, which in turn alleviates heartburn. All well and good, except that we kinda need that acid. The stomach acid is what breaks down foods for digestion, and yet the typical doctor/pharmaceutical industry’s answer to curing heartburn is to turn off that very acid, the one thing that makes it possible for us to absorb the essential nutrients we so desperately need. Brilliant. And yet despite the warning on the label indicating that such drugs should not be used for more than a couple of months, I’ve heard of people who have been using them for YEARS.

There has to be a better way. I believe with all my heart that if God wanted to, He could cure me, but there’s something I need to learn in this before that happens. Scripture warns of us catering to the flesh, but it also has a promise:

Galatians 6:8-9 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

In the meantime, I’m praying for the wisdom to find the best medicinal aids I can find in order to give my esophagus a chance to heal itself. As agonizing as this search has been, I’m realizing that some answers just don’t come easy without a lot of seeking, asking and knocking. It’s so against my nature to behave this diligently in seeking the help I need, but I’m left with little choice. But as I continue to search, seek and knock, I’m slowly beginning to uncover a few of the gems that God has brought to my attention, buried in the mountain of disinformation that exists on the Internet.

One, there is an orange peel extract available (called Citrus sinesis) that’s been reported to help alleviate heartburn. I just started using it last Saturday, and the effect has been amazing. My heartburns haven’t disappeared, but they were significantly reduced after just taking two capsules over three days. This thing did what gobbling and downing Tums, Mylanta and Pepto Bismol couldn’t do all put together. I’m supposed to take them every other day for 20 days, so hopefully my symptoms will improve even more by then.

Two, DGL (Deglycyrrhizinated Licorice), which can coat and soothe an esophagus suffering acid reflux, as well as promote healthy digestion. I haven’t taken it yet, but plan to tomorrow, since I heard it can also relieve the globus sensation (the lump in the throat feeling) that I’ve been getting.

Three, a couple of tablespoons of lemon juice has also been reportedly helpful. Since I’ve had a habit of flavoring my water bottles with lemon juice anyway, this will be pretty easy to add to my regimen.

Four, a garlic supplement every day. I bought this on a whim at the vitamin store, and completely forgot about it until now. It has plenty of benefits, but it’s also been reported to have positive effects against acid reflux. I have a feeling about it, so I’m going to start taking it and see if it helps.

Five, of course would be to lose the weight. LOSE THE WEIGHT. GOD**** MOTHER****ING LOSE THE WEIGHT. It’s destroying my health, not to mention that a) I have no energy because of the extra baggage I carry around, b) no women on this planet will ever possibly love me because of it, c) no fancy clothes will look good on me, and d) I will forever and truly be deprived of a normal, active lifestyle until I get up off my fat ass and STOP trying to slowly commit suicide, which is what I’ve been doing for far too long.

So now, the climb out of the deep and dark abyss begins. Only question is, am I too far down to get out?

Tags: acid reflux, agony, bad habit, bud, burning sensation, companion, conventional medicine, crap, DGL, digestive system, disinformation, doctors, drive thru, dumbass, eating, emotional, faith, food, garlic, gems, GERD, globus sensation, gluttony, God, healing, heartburn, lemon juice, LES, licorice, life everlasting, mylanta, Nexium, orange peel, orange peel extract, overweight, pepto bismol, regimen, repentance, sin, solace, spirits, water bottles, whim
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log, The Wealth of Health
 
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I finished cleaning up my blog and watching my shows, so I’m left here surfing the Internet to nowhere in particular. I can still feel that annoying lump in my throat (caused by my acid reflux) and an occasional heartburn, all of which has considerably darkened my mood. Yet as late as it is, I have no desire to go to bed, even though I really am tired, and the only time I get relief from my acid reflux issues is when I finally turn in. It’s also the time where I get a chance to fantasize about the girl of my dreams, conjuring up all kinds of scenarios on how we might first meet, fall in love, and develop that “perfect” relationship.

But for right now, I have only the glow of my monitor to keep me company. It’s times like this when the reality of my solitary existence really hits me, yet once upon a time I actually used to like being alone. I could do what I wanted to, when I wanted to, and I didn’t have to worry about accommodating or considering other people’s feelings. My life was my own.

But ever since my best friend and I have parted ways, I also have no one to talk to either. No one to my share life experiences with, watch a movie with, have dinner with, or just hang out with. Part of it has just been the circumstances of life, but part of it has been my own doing as well. Now that I’m in the process of picking up the pieces of my broken life and trying to put it back together again, I’m hoping this time around things will be different. But I also know it takes time to build relationships and friendships, and wisdom to know how to build them with the right kind of people. I don’t know if I even have what it takes anymore to get out there and connect with the world again. But I do know I can’t live the rest of my life as a virtual hermit either.

So what to do? Just take it one day at a time, I guess.

Tags: acid reflux, best friend, blog, circumstances, dating, day at a time, desire, feelings, friendships, heartburn, hermit, loneliness, lump in my throat, one day at a time, picking up the pieces, relationship, rest of my life, scenarios, social life, wisdom
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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Just to make sure I can post YouTube videos without a hitch, here’s a favorite tune of mine from Billy Joel:

Believe or not I like to act out videos like this at work, jumping around and lip syncing the lyrics to my most favorite songs, that is, until somebody slaps me across the face and tells me to do some work.

I like to think despite my modest job and background that there might truly be a refined, uptown girl out there who will love and appreciate me for who I am. In the meantime, I’ll just have to keep singing and dancing…

Tags: billy joel, favorite songs, job, lip syncing, love, lyrics, uptown girl, YouTube
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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…never to upgrade a blogging script the minute the developers release a major new version. I just wasted a whole day trying to upgrade this blog to the latest and greatest, only to see it crap out on me with all sorts of buggy errors. I thought I had a handle on it by making some adjustments in the background, but the problems proved to be too much. Instead, I’ll just comb through the plugins and see if any of them can be updated instead. Wordpress does have its advantages, but organized developments of the script is not one of them.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go collapse now.

Tags: blog, blogging, buggy, collapse, comb, crap, developers, headaches, updates, updating, wordpress
Categories: Blog Fog
 
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I was just reading a blog post by Miss O’ Hara discussing how women should ignore or drop men who still live with their parents because they don’t have the wherewithal to survive on their own or be good husbands. She does allow for mitigating circumstances where the local economy and the real estate market can make this virtually impossible, or if you’re supporting parents going through a rough patch (I think). Still, this type of thinking makes me uneasy. Even if you provide legitimate reasons for staying with your parents, I can’t help but wonder if whatever girl you’re interested in had already written you off on her mental checklist the minute she heard about your living situation, despite you giving reasonable explanations for it. After all, being with your parents tells a girl either A) He’s not rich enough for me, or B) he’s burdened down with caring for his ailing parent(s), so he’ll have no time left over to shower me with any attention. I know plenty of girls will swear until they are blue in the face otherwise, but I suspect they can’t help but think this way. Just as it is supposedly in man’s nature to be the leader, it is also in woman’s nature to be cared for (by the man).

I also think Hara’s reasoning here that snubbing guys who live with their parents can have the opposite effect. A guy could resign himself to believing that is truly no one out there waiting for him, and thus he may lose the necessary incentive to improve his life and gain some independence.

I surmise that this mentality is really borne out of an innate desire to find a guy willing to coddle them, and who makes enough money that they can stay at home and freely sponge off his salary. I personally know a few women who are like this too. Rather than being a help mate, they are instead a burden to their husbands, who find themselves caring for their wives the same way you’d care for a pet dog. Not surprisingly, such wives tend to show a complete ineptness in handling even the most basic tasks of paying the bills, balancing the checkbooks, and so on. Some don’t even have driving licenses, creating yet another unnecessary burden on the husband.

In spite of the exceptions some women profess to make for men who live with their parents, the fact is such a trait is undesirable regardless of whether he has good reasons for doing so or not. The bottom line is that such a man would be unable to care for her because of his financial difficulties, or because of his obligations to his family. In this vein, women aren’t looking for a man to love: they are looking for a man capable of coddling them for the rest of their lives.

And stupid me, I always thought marriage was all about true love, not something to be judged on external circumstances such as what your living situation might be. Would it be so terrible to get to know a guy first instead of immediately writing him off because he lives with Mommy? Maybe he has a heart of gold, but is just afraid of going off on his own, and just needs a woman to encourage him or (God forbid) HELP him find the moxie he’s been looking for. Would that be so terrible? The Bible does say that a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave onto his WIFE. Ideally then, the man is never truly alone wen he goes out into the world, for God himself has said that it is not good for the man to be alone. He is ready to leave when he has ALREADY found someone. Yet the Gospel according to Miss O’ Hara demands that he already be independent BEFORE meeting someone.

Personally, and for the record, I live with my parents because we can only survive for the time being by sticking together. It just hit me that out of all of us, I am actually the only one who is self sufficient. Neither of them can live independently of me, but it is through no fault of their own. There are times when I can sense my mother’s grief and how she feels she has let me down because of it. But sometimes it’s just the circumstances of life, and I don’t believe it’s always going to be like this either. For now I take it as a lesson on how important it is to stick together as a family through thick and thin, and I believe that’s a learned trait well worth taking into any marriage.

Do I resent it at times? Of course, and sometimes more often than not. But the times I truly resent it is when I see picky women quickly ready to pass over me because my living situation is something they find unappealing. I guess loyalty and a sense of duty for honoring your parents counts for nothing these days. Nope, it’s all about showing them the MONEY.

Tags: blog, blue in the face, dating, economy, explanations, girls, gold diggers, home, love, mate, men, mentality, mitigating circumstances, parents, real estate market, salary, stay at home, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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The law school I was accepted into part time is already starting to get on my flippin’ nerves. I emailed an admissions counselor to see if I could request that my class schedule be set up so it doesn’t interfere with my work schedule, since I work a late afternoon shift.

“In your first year, your classes are selected for you. You cannot choose a set class schedule. Our office of Academic records generates these schedules, and doesn’t do so until the summer.”

I wrote back indicating that it would be impossible for me to attend classes if I got a class schedule that conflicted with my working hours. Since the whole point of a part time day program was to accommodate people with nontraditional working schedules, I asked for some leniency or that we be able to work something out to both mine and the school’s satisfaction. My emails are now being ignored.

Beautiful.

I talked to one of my blogging buddies about it, and she let me know that her school allows part timers to choose what time they want to take mandatory classes, so I know what my school is doing is a crock of moose poo poo. If I don’t get an answer by tomorrow, I’ll either write to the director of admissions, or stop in person and give them mean looks. That failing, I’ll write to the dean of of the school, and failing THAT, I’ll wash my hands of law school.

Honestly, this really frosts my chocolate chip cookies. I’ve been in the workforce 7 years, and when a job pays me, then it’s expected that I would have to revolve around their schedule. But when I pay a school $26,000 a year PART TIME, then I bloody well expect to be accommodated as much as possible, dammit.

But I’m not overly upset about it. I’ll let the chips fall where they may, and if it’s meant to be, I’ll be starting my first classes in August. Right now I’m more concerned about getting my health and body in order.

Tags: admissions counselor, buddies, chips, chocolate chip cookies, class schedule, dean, health, job, law school, leniency, mandatory classes, nerves, part time, part timers, poo poo, satisfaction, workforce
Categories: Legally Speaking
 
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