One of the things that has made it darn nigh impossible for me to make a decision about law school is the fear that I may be trading in a job I hate for a future job I’ll hate even MORE.

The truth is, my current job really isn’t so bad, relatively speaking. I only have to work about 35 hours a week, I get four days off every other weekend, and if I work fast enough, I usually have the last few hours of work to myself for doing pretty much whatever I want (short of leaving). I have a decent salary and excellent medical benefits, along with a pension plan that would provide enough reasonable security for me when I retire. The people I work with are for the most part pretty decent folks, and I don’t even have to dress formally (I haven’t worn a suit in several years).

But the work itself is a mindless drudgeship, the kind where I truly have little to no impact on anything. For the most part, I simply proofread documents and perform data entry for hours at a time, until my brain gets so numb I have to take a moment to collect myself lest I should lapse into a coma.

I always thought I was meant for bigger and better things, and the thought of continuing this drudgeship for another 30 years frightens me to no end.

But what frightens me even more is giving up the security blanket I enjoy now for a career that will make this current job seem like paradise. What really, am I getting myself into here? Will I really enjoy being an attorney, or will I find it so unrewarding, so aggravating an experience, that I will yearn for the days of old when the only trial I had to endure was the daily drudgeship of entering documents into my department’s database? It’s almost a certainty that my first job (post-law school) would offer little security, inferior benefits, and a hostile work environment where I’m pressured to perform, and deal with a crushing workload. Instead of enjoying an atmosphere where nothing short of burning the place down would have any serous repercussions for me, I would instead be dealt a greater responsibilty where people’s lives may literally be in my hands, and one little screwup could cause utter catastrophe for them (and me). Do I really want to handle that kind of responsibility?

As I read the primers and study some of the materials people use for law school, my mind does seem able to grasp the legal principles easily enough, and I do enjoy performing a “lawyer like” analysis of hypotheticals. But then again, there’s some days when I just don’t bother at all with it. Even if I couldn’t get enough of playing with hypos, it only provides a glimpse into what I may be doing as a lawyer. The profession requires excellent networking skills (which I don’t have) and the ability to relate and socialize with people (which I don’t have). It would also require the ability to sift through dry legal material, while in turn writing dry legal documents in the form of motions, briefs, memos (and whatever else it s that lawyers write). Is this something I can do competently, and more importantly, is it something I could ENJOY doing?

I simply don’t know. I’m so confused and perplexed right now that my decision is literally changing by the moment. The other night I was resolved to go to law school, having firmly made up my mind, only to wake up the next morning with a sense of sheer dread that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. The $150,000 price tag alone guarantees that if my decision to go to law school turns out to be a mistake, it would be a mistake I’ll have to pay for for as long as I live.

Too bad I can’t win the lottery. Having 200Gs or so to play with would obviously make this decision a little bit more palatable. I’d lose nothing by trying, and I could always go back to my old job (based on the one year grace period I might be granted).

But alas, I must deal with reality. On the one hand I can accept a life that is secure, but boring and unfulfilling, or a life that may turn out not to be a life at all, where I end up pissing away those things I’m taking for granted now.

Or maybe there’s a third option that has still to make itself known…

Tags: atmosphere, bitterness, brain, choices, data entry, drudgeship, fear, first job, hostile work environment, job, law school, lawyer, pension plan, repercussions, security blanket, truth, workload
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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The lack of posts haven’t been due to a lack of a desire to blog, but rather a lack of endurance. I’ve noticed lately that minutes after I would wake up in the morning, I’m about ready to collapse right back into bed and continue sleeping for the next 5 days. Since I’m not exactly in peak condition, I don’t have as much energy as I should have, but for the past few days I’ve barely had any energy at all.

Maybe it’s because my job sucks. Maybe it’s because I’m just tired of life. Maybe I just need to get out more often and get some fresh air. Or maybe I just need to stop saying maybe.

Tags: blogging, desire, endurance, few days, fresh air, job, posts, sleepy, tired
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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There may be nothing else in life that could capture those elements of my personality that equally combine outrageous comedy, despair, hope, and yearning for love than this famous Saturday Night Live video, starring John Belushi and his rendition of Joe Cocker’s “I Get By With a Little help From My Friends.” As dark as my personality can be at times, I am at heart, a true comedian.

Tags: comedian, despair, elements, friends, heart, help, Joe Cocker, John Belushi, little help from my friends, love, personality, rendition, Saturday Night Live
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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A recent posting by the Ignoble Experiment got me thinking about a Disney favorite of mine, Beauty and the Beast. Back in the days when Disney was still making animated films that were actually good, they churned out this beauty (no pun intended), a story that centered around redemption and true love. I was too young to fully appreciate the movie when it first came out, but in subsequent years, I began to see myself in the Beast. The years had made me bitter and angry, harboring a quiet rage against a world that I felt did me serious wrong, just like the Beast. Some of it I brought on myself though, I admit, just as the Beast was in no small part responsible for his own misery. And yet part of that rage had to have no doubt been fueled by the despair that he would never be freed from his curse, as each petal that dropped from the flower brought him ever closer to his doom. It took the love of a caring, gentle soul to bring him back, a woman who taught him how to love again, despite his imperfections and grotesque appearance.

A gentle, caring girl, willing to get past looks and appearances so she can see the wounded man behind the beastly image? Yep, quite obviously a fairy tale. If you think this does indeed happen in the real world, then you my friend live in a fairy tale of your own.

This is one of my pet peeves about women too. They complain about guys being shallow and dating on looks alone, and then claim the higher ground by insisting that they NEVER do that. Nope, it’s a guy’s inner qualities that attracts them. It’s the damnedest, most hypocritical crap I’ve ever heard come out of their filthy, lying mouths.

Honestly, the mass of women today have proven themselves to be the shallowest, calculating, back stabbing, most judgmental heartless gobs of human flesh to have ever graced this planet. They will pass eternal judgment on you based on nothing more than the color shoes you’re wearing. They stare right through you as if you were nothing but a ghostly apparition they can barely see, refuse to say thank you when you hold the door for them, and only feign interest in you when they want something. God may have created Adam, but it was Satan who created Eve.

This mass of self interested, self indulgent whores of Babylon have made finding that gem of a woman who really is a cut above the rest virtually impossible. There’s little doubt even if I could find one, she would be taken aback at my beastly rage. Would she be able to get past that? Past the imperfections, the open wounds that cause me such most perpetual pain and grief? Will she be the Belle to my Beast?

Who am I kidding, she obviously doesn’t exist. And unlike the Beast, who found redemption and a happy ending, I can feel the last petal beginning to slip through my fingers, as a lifetime of unredeemable rage awaits me. Alas, in real life, there will be no Belle to save me.

Tags: anger, animated films, beast, Beauty and the Beast, belle, dating, despair, fairy tale, gobs, hatred, higher ground, imperfections, loneliness, love, misery, mouths, no doubt, pet peeves, pun, rage, redemption, true love, women, women suck, wounded man
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log, Romance and Relationships
 
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Last weekend my town had a Columbus Day festival, which culminated in a fireworks celebration Sunday night. I happened to get a good view of the fireworks from my apartment, so I watched for a few minutes… by myself of course. I could hear the faint sound of the cheers of delight in the distance by the spectators. I could have gone to the festival myself, but I’ve been in this town for a long time, and in that time I’ve made very few friends, while the rest were people I’d just as soon not see again if I could help it. I suspected some of those people were at the festival too. Ironically enough, the very first time they started the Columbus festival, I was a freshman in high school and played in the marching band for the Columbus Day parade. My love for the town’s fair (and for the town itself) has since waned over the years.

As I watched the fireworks, all I could think about was that I was watching it alone. I was a single rocket, firing off into a lonely sky. And yet, I used to love fireworks, especially as an adolescent. Today, it brings me nothing but pain. The pain of knowing I have spent so many years going to festivals, watching fireworks, hitting the movie theaters, visiting parks and beaches, and yet, doing it all alone, unable to share those experiences with that special someone.

So I couldn’t enjoy it anymore. Instead of taking in the dazzling display, my mind wandered to all those people at the festival, many of who no doubt were holding hands and playing suck face while the rockets soared. I burned with envy and hatred as hot as the fireworks that were currently going off, which soon gave way to a deep despair. There may have been a time when I enjoyed being single, but I realized that time has now come and gone, and now all I’m left with is a sense of melancholy that precludes me from being able to enjoy any of life’s recreations. In short, I’ve stopped living. I can’t go out and enjoy life anymore, because I know I have to do it alone. I’m tired of having to say “table for one” every time I have dinner somewhere, or take in a movie and be unable to discuss it afterwards. I was tired of going on vacation and doing romantic things such as taking a steamboat cruise, or walking down the beach, and yet having to do it all without “her.”

In years past, the despair I would feel at being alone was usually buffered with a sense of hope that soon, someday soon, my suffering would at long last come to an end, and I would finally meet the woman of my dreams. But as one year gave way to another, my hope began to wither and die. It’s no wonder I exhibit so little effort to take care of myself. The loss of hope has given me a loss of will to carry on. It’s like a slow way to commit suicide. I won’t do it outright, so by letting my health deteriorate, this is a round about way for me to accomplish the same goal. The world succeeded in crushing my spirit, and it seems I’ll never be able to recover from the devastation.

All that is left is to hope for either a miracle, or a death that will come sooner, rather than later.

Tags: beaches, cheers, Columbus Day, dating, dazzling display, depression, despair, envy, festivals, fireworks, freshman, hatred, holding hands, loneliness, lonely, love, marching band, melancholy, movie theaters, no doubt, rockets, spectators, suicide, women
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log, Romance and Relationships
 
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There are some women who are so far out of my league that if my league exploded, they wouldn’t hear the sounds for another three days. (Hat tip to the TV movie, The Librarian). Fortunately, the sort I’m referring to here are bright, elegant and morally upright girls who are simply a part of a culture I can’t relate to.

Then there’s that other sort, the sordid crack whore types who almost take perverse pride in the fact that they’re crack whores. They demonstrate all the moral aptitude of a brain damaged alley cat, and their pasttime consists mostly of getting drunk, fooling around, and then getting drunk again. You know the type I’m referring to here. They almost always have Myspace websites exhibiting lewd and crude photos of themselves, (usually holding ironically enough, a glass of beer or wine), and which predictably contain quite a long list of comments from horny men looking for booty.

I had this vain hope that law school might weed out the most putrid of these sewage inhabiting bimbos, but alas it was too much to ask for. Case in point, here’s an excerpt of an email sent to an ex-law student’s blog, highlighting one particular floozy’s adventures in law school:

…the three of us nearly all got kicked out of law school for laughing in court while a rather unfortunate prostitute was arraigned. We had to write apologies to the dean and the judge, seriously. In the quagmire, I found a boyfriend… who, incidentally, had a wife. This boyfriend more or less saved my academic @$$ by teaching me Civil Procedure – to a solid C-level…

This former bartender turned attorney quite matter of factly conferred upon her readers the breathtakingly and morally bankrupt details of her law school experience, seemingly oblivious to what a complete tramp from hell she was making herself out to be. I’m inclined to think the whole thing was really made up, but sadly, I know better.

From blogs written by women who proudly declare themselves “Law Bitches” to the “supposedly” female blogger billing herself as the Law School Virgin (complete with sordid postings indicating a perpetually drunk little girl who enjoys only sporadic moments of sobriety), it’s no wonder why I’ve seem to have lost a measure of faith in the virtues of the opposite gender.

To think, these people will someday become lawyers. Good God.

Tags: alley cat, apologies, aptitude, bartender, booty, c level, crack whore, girls, law school, lawyers, morally bankrupt, quagmire, sewage, tv movie, whores, women, women suck
Categories: Legally Speaking, Romance and Relationships
 
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